I have been saying for a while, maybe not out loud to many, but definitely to myself, that I am on a journey. Some people have told me that they see that I’m on a journey. So yes, I’m on a journey. I don’t believe it’s an ordinary journey. It’s a quiet journey. Not one that you can physically see. Not one that is loud. A journey of self discovery, maybe. O spiritual? Something clicked a couple years ago. It was as if someone said “Rae, you are meant to be more than you imagine. You are more than a mom. You are more than your occupation. You are going to do great things. But first you need to work on yourself.” Those words weren’t exactly spoken out loud, nor did I hear them specifically. How I recognized that all was strange. I had this feeling and that feeling pointed me towards those words. It was the most bizarre, yet amazing thing, and it happened. I accepted it. And I’m awaiting what’s to come.
Something, not sure what, has hit a spark inside me. I can feel it in my heart as I type this. Something is strong. My love is strong. My heart is big. And it has more to do and more lives to touch. How, I don’t know. I’ve been trying to find what it is that I’m being called to do, but the harder I look, the more it falls away. So I stopped. I stopped researching ways to figure out what is happening or what I need to do. I told myself that I can’t find something that I’m looking for in a book or on the internet. I need to look within myself. I need to see what’s inside of myself to find that spark.
I then started trying all sorts of meditations to dive deep into what’s going through my subconscious and inner self. I kept thinking, why can’t I figure this out? Why is this taking so long? I was trying too hard. Even with the mediations, I was trying too hard. I kept choosing all sorts of different guided meditations. I don’t know if they were the wrong ones, or I just wanted too much. So I took another step back. I started to breathe. I kept taking deep breaths. I said I needed to slow down and not look so hard. I’m making this more difficult for myself. I took another breath. I told myself how I felt, let myself feel it, and let some of those feelings flow away. I took another deep breath.
I started being more mindful throughout each day so that I could recognize and acknowledge what is happening around me and with me. Some days have been better than others. Most days I’m content with everything and leaning into the present moment. Some days I’m harder on myself than others. Some days I’m still thinking, what am I doing? Why am I doing it? How can I change it? Is anyone going to see me? Will they care? In retrospect, all that matters is that I do what’s best for me and show up for myself (and my family). And if someone else likes what I’m doing, awesome. If someone doesn’t, oh well, they can move on. All I want is to be real, honest, truthful, thoughtful, fun, silly at times, joyful for myself and others. I don’t want to be fake. I don’t want to put on a show – though being a former dancer and in musical theater/choir throughout school was so much fun. That’s different than what I mean by putting on a show. And I may be quiet – if you know me, I’m an introvert. But once you get to know me, a bit of an extrovert comes out. And just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say. I make my choices when I feel it’s best for me to put in my words. I know some people see me. And I thank them.
So as I travel on this journey that I am on, I ask anyone reading and following to please bear with me. I may be awfully quiet for a while as I feel I’m processing a lot. I might not seem like myself, but believe me I’m here. And at times I might just jump out of my skin with excitement. And I am excited. I’m excited for this journey and to see what’s to come of it. It might be a slow journey and that’s okay. I’ll be patient. Things will come in the time they are supposed to.
I pray this journey is as exciting and as special as it has been thus far.